Let's Be Awkward Together

I didn’t recognize my voice last night. And I think it was a good thing.

I logged into Zoom and two new friends popped up on the screen. It was time to share part of my story of transitioning out of ministry in the local church and into what’s next.

Anxiety worked its way through my body all day long as I thought of this conversation. Thought that was odd. This would typically be work I’d enjoy. But it was the first time I spoke publicly about the transition between two churches, how my call shifted, and how my brother’s death gave me socially acceptable space to grieve.

I imagine the listener will hear a story and find some part of it helpful. Or not.

But me? I stumbled around inside these new stories. It was tough to find my flow. For someone who is used to public speaking and engaging conversation, I hardly recognized my voice. She sounded foreign to me. She felt awkward. Unsure.

We wrapped up the recording and chatted for a few minutes afterwards. I genuinely enjoyed hearing Justin & Sarah’s perspectives and the many experiences we had in common. After closing my computer, I took a few deep breaths and went to say goodnight to our kids. My husband heard my deep sighs and asked how it went. I paused and said, “It was great. But wow I didn’t recognize my voice. It felt awkward. I don’t like that feeling.”

One part of me could have easily run down one road. You should know how to do this by now. Who do you think you are? No one wants to hear your story. Stay small.

I know that road well. That fearful and angry voice inside me has a well-worn path she loves to run.

But the stronger voice inside me – the voice that gets to make decisions – she knew something else was far more true. Sweet girl, everything in your life has changed. Is changing. It’s a lot. Your voice should sound different because it is different. We’ll keep showing up even when it feels like we’re awkward teenagers again. This is how you create a new life. New worlds. One conversation at a time. Even when you want the ground to swallow you up.

So today, I’m choosing awkward and brave, like Brene Brown reminds us. Here’s to not recognizing our voice because maybe it’s becoming something new. Something that saves us. Something that serves others.

Let’s be awkward together.